this thanksgiving break has been really difficult for me in terms of food and exercise. it was probably doomed before it began, as i had planned to allow myself to down a cart of my favorite soy ice cream (finally!) after rejecting my craving for a couple of weeks. so like, going into this vacation i was anticipating indulgence. and of course, the indulgences went far beyond just that one carton of ice cream.
i won’t list the foods i ate and shouldn’t have eaten. but i will say that it finally became clear to me that the way i go about eating foods i shouldn’t eat is probably characteristic of someone with an eating disorder. my thought process as i go into the kitchen at night (or whatever time of day, but mostly at night) is somehow not my own. it’s more mechanical (i’m not sure that’s the right adjective, but it’s as close as i can come up with) and thoughtless. and it’s completely unrelated to hunger.
i’m not really sure what i can be doing about this, or if there are even options available to me (will google asap) (but if you have suggestions, please send them my way!). i’m going to start trying to create a “second voice” in my head to counteract the bingey one. and i’m going to try filling myself up every day before 7 pm, and see if that stops me from night-eating. the herbs i tried didn’t really seem to do much to aid my cause, so i think i’ll try something new. i’m also going to try the “put pictures of models in places you frequently look” idea. and i’m going to set up a rewards system, mostly involving clothes/shopping for every 5 pounds lost or something.
this weekend has taught me a few lessons, though. so i don’t feel completely shitty. i see now that i need exercise in order to be the person i know myself to be. i also see that how i feel and how i eat/how much i exercise are inseparable from each other in terms of my overall well being. i can acknowledge that i have an eating problem stemming, most likely, from some kind of emotional problem, because i don’t think this was always an issue for me (although i wonder if this acknowledgement will make me more or less likely to stop myself from future binges, since now i have something to “blame” the binge on).
i regret that this blog has turned into a place i write only after i “mess up” with dieting/exercise. right now, i’m reflecting on a weekend’s mistakes, and planning ways to right these slip ups. my thigh and shins are healed, and i have no reason not to begin marathon training as soon as i wake up. i have a weight loss goal to achieve by the beginning of the next vacation, and i’m gonna keep pushin’ forward! i can do this.
